I watched you grow up into a fiercely powerful man. I have vivid memories of the nights your mother and I had to wake up to try to calm your bold discomforts. No matter how many servants woke up with us to ease us from the duties of parenthood – you were our son.
We had done it before, I mean the joys of finding out that a human being was coming to earth, the labour pains, uncertainties, overwhelming curiosities, whether is it a boy or a girl. We had worked the whole 30 hours a day shift of grueling nights, you just made it seem like it was our first time.
Nothing is as fulfilling in life than seeing my image come to life in a little body. It almost felt like reincarnation – looking at what I used to be!
All this is what makes me forget the wrong and celebrate the good. I could turn a blind eye on how you wanted control. How you were not comfortable with taking orders because you felt you were old enough.
I know that my presence, although full of love, could be intimidating. I never used to enjoy calling you out, showing you your wrongs, using force to snap you out of adolescence when you were refusing to grow up.
I was never okay, ever, with how you would disrespect us, me, yourself!
I do understand how my loud voices of repremand would frustrate you but I need you to know that everything I did was because of love. The love you had difficulties with receiving.
I understood your impatience, how my ways were slow and boring for you and how your ways were proactive, enthusiastic, often unrealistic, but definitely rushed.
I understand how you were starting to feel like a man.
Is that how I pushed you away? That my ways were higher than yours? That my plans for you were better? That my life revolved around you? That my pleasures were in seeing you prosper? And that my desire was to ultimately fix us, our relationship?
I don’t know what pushed you away but it was deeper than your inheritance, it had nothing to do with inheritance.
Was it a cry for freedom? Freedom! Did you want to do things your way? Is that why your fleshly desires easily call you back? Why isn’t my love enough to cause you to stay?
Go, son, I will sit here and await your arrival. No matter how long it will take, when you show up, I will be the first to know. The first to recognize your walk and your scent from kilometers away. In my old age, I will see your teary eyes from afar, your weak shoulders that you didn’t want your brother to tease you about.
I will wait!
And when I have waited, you will come.
And once you return, I will be the first to prove to you that my love for you has always been free. Past freedom and wealth. Past pride and pleasure.
You are my freedom. You are my wealth. You are my pride. You are my pleasure.