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I love again

A raging sound of a raging sea
Dry throat
Knocking chest
Trying to gasp a lot of air trying to hold back the tears
Holding on tight my fists are locked
All the souls I have loved and I have kissed
All the souls I have held and I have soaked in my dear heart
I lied
I am being stretched from the center to left
Left alone in slippery mud
Left to pass the threshing floor alone, swifting off the wasted years of giving my heart to wolves. Wasted years of pretending to be in a union knowing very well where my heart should have been ever since
Left to assume the position of victim but maybe I deserve it
I feel punished
I am being stretched from center to right
Right to the start button that I pressed a number of times
Anticipating that something would happen
When nothing happened
I tip toed again to the button
Pressed it but didn’t press it hard
I walked away because what I anticipated never showed face.
Like a big girl I had to wash off the disappointment and pick up my torn dress
Torn by effort and the very love that had to keep me warm
It must be my fault that I didn’t try enough
If I had, I’d still be cold but at least I wouldn’t be freezing
I am right where I have to love again
Painful as it is but I am in a familiar mansion
The mission of loving over and over again has made me memories the number of rooms here
The color and texture of doors here
I have studied the patterns on all walls here
I know how each room smells
Different
But there is a familiar face
A willing will
A calming breeze
A smooth call from a familiar voice
Funny how everytime I move I move with you
Like a dream I feel like I am in control but I am not
Like a wave, breathtaking but I’m swept. I have to love again
I am being stretched, if I could see how far long it will take
How wide it will be
For how long I will love selflessly
For how long I will love effortlessly
For how long until I am warm again
If I could see the road again
If I could
This journey would be easy
Because I would love deeply again
Fearless
Knowing me
In the next second from this…
I will love again
I love again

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Acts 8 – condition of your heart


Some of us have heart issues that limit our experience with God, especially when we hold on to things that we should have left to burn at the alter. Things like unforgiveness, pride, pains of the past, worry, envy and self pity – deprive us from a deep relationship with God who loves us deeply.

Simon the sorcerer of Samaria is a well-known sorcerer who, the Bible says, bewitched the people of the city. The poor and the rich know him to be the greatest and powerful. Philip comes into town and preaches the gospel and Simon the sorcerer believes the word of God. The condition of his heart is exposed later in the passage when he offers to give Peter and John money for power.


What is the condition of your heart? Have you allowed it to be exposed to the God of Hearts? What is holding you back?
Be vulnerable to God and let Him do what only He can do.We should not be discussing things we discussed years back (grow from strength to strength), instead, we should only discuss them with people who are where we used to be, to assist and strengthen them.


Luke 22:32 But I have prayed for you, Peter, that you would stay faithful to me no matter what comes. Remember this: after you have turned back to me and have been restored, make it your life mission to strengthen the faith of your brothers.”

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From the Father of the Prodigal Son


My son

I watched you grow up into a fiercely powerful man. I have vivid memories of the nights your mother and I had to wake up to try to calm your bold discomforts. No matter how many servants woke up with us to ease us from the duties of parenthood – you were our son.

We had done it before, I mean the joys of finding out that a human being was coming to earth, the labour pains, uncertainties, overwhelming curiosities, whether is it a boy or a girl. We had worked the whole 30 hours a day shift of grueling nights, you just made it seem like it was our first time.
Nothing is as fulfilling in life than seeing my image come to life in a little body. It almost felt like reincarnation –  looking at what I used to be!

All this is what makes me forget the wrong and celebrate the good. I could turn a blind eye on how you wanted control. How you were not comfortable with taking orders because you felt you were old enough.
I know that my presence, although full of love, could be intimidating. I never used to enjoy calling you out, showing you your wrongs, using force to snap you out of adolescence when you were refusing to grow up.

I was never okay, ever, with how you would disrespect us, me, yourself!
I do understand how my loud voices of repremand would frustrate you but I need you to know that everything I did was because of love. The love you had difficulties with receiving.
I understood your impatience, how my ways were slow and boring for you and how your ways were proactive, enthusiastic, often unrealistic, but definitely rushed.
I understand how you were starting to feel like a man.
Is that how I pushed you away? That my ways were higher than yours? That my plans for you were better? That my life revolved around you? That my pleasures were in seeing you prosper? And that my desire was to ultimately fix us, our relationship?

I don’t know what pushed you away but it was deeper than your inheritance, it had nothing to do with inheritance.
Was it a cry for freedom? Freedom! Did you want to do things your way? Is that why your fleshly desires easily call you back? Why isn’t my love enough to cause you to stay?

Go, son, I will sit here and await your arrival. No matter how long it will take, when you show up, I will be the first to know. The first to recognize your walk and your scent from kilometers away. In my old age, I will see your teary eyes from afar, your weak shoulders that you didn’t want your brother to tease you about.
I will wait!
And when I have waited, you will come.
And once you return, I will be the first to prove to you that my love for you has always been free. Past freedom and wealth. Past pride and pleasure.
You are my freedom. You are my wealth. You are my pride. You are my pleasure.

Love
Your father